Pinned toot


I have this place in my head, with another one (irrelevant here), which is quite real to me.
It's a forest with no oxygen, nothing moving, but everything alive. Time stopped.
No trace of human intervention here, ever, in the history of this place.

Yet there is this lake, in the center of it. A really dark, filled with black water, lake. Seems deep, no one ever saw the bottom of it. In fact, you can't see through this water. It's quite opaque. It's quite thick.
But you can feel it. How it's charged.
Charged by past emotions, baggage from life. No oxygen in this water either. This water so heavy it just absorbs things. "Eat" things. Make them become intemporal.
They wait. To be choked up. Alive again. Experienced back. Acknowledge.

This lake is so heavy. It sits right there. It never moves, sometimes absorbs something else. Everything piles up.

Now it's seems slightly lighter than a few years ago.


- Axel

Pinned toot

As there is a lack of signature in a lot of our posts, let's pin that clarification :

- If that's not specified in a response to a conversation where it's been specified, it's that it hasn't changed.

- If it's specified on the x toot of a thread, the whole thread goes under the same name

- If it's been simply forgetten (especially on my artist account where it's often me), it's... Well, me.

- Another option is that it's Eva and or I together since we tend to be integrating a lot together lately

- Axel

Pinned toot

On that note I am sharing MultiplicityandMe last video about system responsibility. Can never be explained enough, the takes are good.

Systems need to work together as a whole ( OSDD and DID systems)

- Axel

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Here it is because I am a big nut I didn't understand why this account was so invisible...
So : , here we are.

We are an OSDD system, we are quite recently "coming out" about that on a broader scale. Not that we know everything now, not that my alters and I talked about it that much but...
That's my wish.

I wanted to do a Mental Health account.
Talk about our struggles, our self discovery, our dialy life as someone with PTSD and a handicap status, how we manage, how we live with people around us, etc.

As I gain in confidence, there will probably be in time more ressource sharing, and spontaneous share about our states aside our diary on this account.

I won't lie, I do this for me it's true. But also because it's by sharing experiences that we come to understand each other.

OSDD is not that rare. PTSD either. And many mental health issues are quite common.

Hi, we are Dusty/D, I am Axel, and this is our mental health related account.

Pinned toot

Back to this public diary - 24/05/2020 

I have been struggling writing on Black Water lately for several reasons...
One of them is me struggling at life right now, being too depersonnalized.
Another is that it would help if I set boundaries with my alters instead of just monitoring everything when they are around.
But also, I guess, confidence is lacking on showing such vulnerability on the internet.

Even though not much people are following us, it's just not easy to take our brain and just put it out for people to see.

At least I don't claim that I know everything about us or the world, so I don't feel like there's much mistake to be done.

Yeah. Hi. I'm back. Hi new instance.
I'll consider doing some alter/system presentation again.


Kinda want to die, so.... Not posting much. Even though it's the point of this account, those lows and highs.

🇨🇵 (Pensées suicidaires, peu de post, trad flemmarde.)

- ?

Pro tip pour les personnes qui subissent du gaslighting :
Notez ce qu'il se passe quand quelque chose vous titille (jusqu'à vous révolter). Dans un carnet, en parlant à des gens à l'écrit avec historique, etc.
Vous pourrez casser les arguments de l'autre en relisant à tête posée. Et vous aurez vos souvenirs là écrits quand on essayera de les retourner contre vous.

🇬🇧 Advice for people being gaslighted:
Write down what happens when it triggers you (even to the point of imploding).
In a notebook, by talking to people with written saves, etc.
You will be able to read back and break down the points made by the other person after you've cooled down. And you will have memories written right next to you when they will try to twist them against you.

- Axelle

These days I wonder when it shifted. When I went from being heavily cynical and pessimist all the time to being... Optimistic and cynical, in a way.

Not that I don't see the world burning still.
But it's like a mechanism clicked. It was so bad last year I just had to tell myself "you've got your cats, your loved ones, a roof and something to eat. If you have to just keep it that simple, then you already have everything"

Trust me I know things are bad. That next year will maybe be me back the 2019. But I kind of learned to take all the good I can because of the bad I've been fed up. Still am.

And I will still try to make it so people around me can have that as well. Slowly. Steady.

I can tell you it's a kick in a not-so-good-place for my depression. Because taking roots is so much harder for it now. And I am so glad.

Leaving this onto my memory so that if one day we forget, we can remember we wrote it. And win again.

- Axelle
(Sorry not translating tonight, will do tomorrow)

How I track my depression 

One of the not so discret hints my mind gives me about depression, is simply replacing words by oh so morbid other ones.

Meaning having many words starting by an s that I will constantly read as suicide even if it's not close at all. Ending lyrics with death related words, pauses in sentences the same way, and having my brain telling me with no apparent reason that I just want to kill myself.

So that's a thing. Used to tourment me. Now I use it as a tracker. As pain is a tracker and a warning for danger. It's the same here.

- Axel

Just sharing this along the way. I do not have ADHD, but I think it's good resource to both people who do and people who don't

(comics by an adhd alien talking about their struggle and adhd)

- Axelle

🇬🇧​ Though it's not unusual, especially when it's so new to someone to take the time to reflect and do research, to feel at lost, as if everything says about the same thing (to be honest, lots of diags have about the same symptamology, which is an antipsy conversation to have btw), which doesn't mean you are delusional.

To do this inner work and look at what you never did observe before is not easy. It's a work.
And it's okay to be wrong about your autodiagnosis, the question is : what does this diagnosis brings to you, which tools, which level of comprehension, which answers it gives you for several issues.

Show thread

Par contre ce n'est pas anormal, spécialement quand on n'a jamais pris le temps de trop se renseigner avant, d'être perdu.e, d'avoir l'impression que tout dit la même chose (soyons honnête, beaucoup trop de diag ont les mêmes symptômes à un pet près, mais ça c'est une conversation sur l'antipsy à avoir d'ailleurs), ce qui ne veut pas dire que vous vous faites totalement des idées.
Pouvoir faire cette introspection et observer ce que vous n'avez pas observé avant ce n'est pas évident. C'est un travail.
Et en fait, ce n'est pas grave de se tromper d'autodiag, la question étant : qu'est ce que ce diag vous apporte, en terme d'outils, de compréhension, et de solutions à divers problèmes.

Show thread

This one saves me some time about writing on what I think about fleeing away from making diagnostic research and so, by saying that the Barnum effect will affect us (link on previous toot for the vid, which is in French, you can thank YT for the lack of english subtitles)

Alistair talks about it at some point and that's globally what I wanted to say :
The barnum effect works with blurry definitions. And that adjectif is of upmost importance.
It's not nothing at all.

No, if you connect with DID documents, BPD, autism, other diagnosis (sensorial, etc), it's probably not a Barnum effect.
If it makes you question yourself, chances are you will double down on the searches and ask people around you, etc.

Doing those research (with some critical sense) is important to understand what is going on, what is related to us, and see who can help us. It allow us to have power on our therapy as well.

Show thread

(translation in answer)

Bon ça m'évite d'écrire d'emblée ce que je pense de fuir de se renseigner sur des diags etc en se disant que l'effet Barnum va nous tomber sur le coin de la tête :

Alistair le mentionne à un moment et grosso modo dans ce que je voulais dire :
L'effet Barnum c'est un biais qui se fait sur des définitions floues. Et cet adjectif, flou, c'est très important.
C'est pas rien du tout.

Non, si vous vous retrouvez dans des recherches de TDI, de personnalité borderline, d'autisme, d'autres diags sensoriels etc, ce n'est probablement PAS un effet Barnum.
Et si ça vous intrigue, chance est que vous allez multiplier les recherches, questionner votre entourage etc.

Se renseigner (avec un esprit critique, certes) c'est important pour comprendre ce qu'il se passe, ce qui nous concerne ou pas, et voir qui on va chercher pour nous aider. Ça nous permet d'avoir un pouvoir sur notre thérapie aussi.

Was gonna register for Bipole31, a mutual support group with also psychiatrists in Toulouse but last prefectoral decisions makes it impossible for new people to get in.
Took me months to come to term with contacting them, so, yea, sucks.

(🇨🇵​ J'allais m'inscrire à Bipole31, un groupe d'entraide mutuelle avec psy aussi sur Toulouse mais le dernier arrêté préfectoral fait que c'est impossible d'être nouvel.le adhérent.e.
Ça m'a pris des mois d'accepter de les contacter, donc, ça fait bien chier.)

- Axelle

Je suis comme bloquée dans un cercle infernal où je dois faire des devoirs psychologiques et émotionnels tout le temps et c'est très fatiguant et des fois j'ai un peu envie que ça s'arrête.
Mais quand j'arrête et que je fais semblant que j'ai besoin d'aucun outil je replonge.
Et je crois j'ai déjà ralouillé là dessus une fois ?

(🇬🇧 I am stuck in an infernal loop where I am to do psych and emotional homework non stop, it's very tiring and sometimes I want it to stop.
But when I do stop and start pretending that I don't need any tool, I relapse.
And I think I already ranted on that once?)

- Axelle

I don't even know anymore which emotion to put behind the fact that I see society constantly trying to break down my partner (who is autistic and handicaped) and not enough people listening to them.

They are the purest person I know, I care for them with all my heart, and it hurts me everytime to see in what state they end up because their difficulties are invisible.

( 🇨🇵​ Je ne sais même plus quelle émotion je ressens face au fait que la société essaye constamment de casser maon copain.e (autiste et handicapé) et que pas assez de gens l'écoutent.

C'est la personne la plus pure que je connaisse, je tiens à lui de tout mon coeur, et ça me fait mal à chaque fois que je vois dans quel état ses difficultés, parce que invisible, lae mettent.)

- Axelle

Going to replace signing "Axel/Eva" by either Axelle or Axel(le)

Because fusion is real and I sure hope for it to stabilise. ~

- and still too tired to translate today

- Axel(le)

Honestly I am burning myself out half the time helping out or being called in case of emergency and in most cases it's because the state doesn't give a fuck.

🇨🇵​ - parenthèse que j'ai même pas envie de traduire j'en suis à ce point -
Je crame mes ressources la moitié du temps pour aider les autres ou être appelé.e dans des cas d'urgence et la plupart du temps c'est parce que l'état n'en a rien à foutre.

- Axel/Eva

Bonjour tout le monde ! Aujourd'hui j'ai envie de discuter avec des gens. Si vous voulez paporter, poser des questions, ou au contraire me raconter des choses, partager n'hésitez pas ! Vous êtes les bienvenu-e-s 💞

Last night (morbidity) EN/FR 

Aftermath is just being afraid and realising we could have been dead today, nobody would have known.
We didn't realize this whole thing would have been plain suicide.
We have contacted our psych.

🇨🇵 Après coup on a peur et on réalise qu'on aurait été mort et personne n'aurait su ni pu savoir.
On n.avait pas réalisé que ça aurait été un suicide pur et simple.
On a contacté notre psy.

Show thread

Us not having medication last night probably saved our life. We feel much better today.

🇨🇵 Ne pas avoir de médicaments la nuit dernière nous a sauvé.e.s. On se sent bien mieux.

Médication 🇨🇵 

Je suis sur les rotules en ce moment, j'oublie de traduire.

Je trouvais (trouve) triste la situation dans laquelle je suis. J'aurais des anxios et/ou des somnifères, j'en prendrais une grosse dose juste pour forcer une pause (mentale), là.

Show thread


Honest talk I would have had anxiolytic or sleep pills I would take as much as needed tonight to just shut me/us down a while.

And that's sad.

- Axel

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Pipou Academy

FR : Ceci est une instance queer, qui vise à être aussi confortable et safe que possible. Nouvelleaux élèves bienvenu'es !